So today starts out like any day except I am falling asleep at my desk. I can't keep my eyes open. I am totally crashed and wiped out from the migraines I have been having since Sunday. Food, smells, stress, everything is making them worse and more frequent then the last 5 years. Its upsetting.

I am changing my diet and its so hard, I have cut out breads and pasta's. Of course, everything I want to eat is breaded or have pasta, but what can I do. I need to start feeling better and stop having all of these migraines and crap. So we will see how it works. However, I am not cutting out my full throttle or my sugar just yet, but I don't eat alot of sugars to begin with lol. I want to stop smoking for sure. I really have to get stable on my medications and then he will help me (dr) will stop smoking. I ran out of cigs today and wasn't going to buy anymore, I wasnt, but then I got stressed out and had to buy them. One it waste's away my money and Two it waste's away my health and I am done iwth that. I need to start exercising too. I am going to go about 3 times a week when thomas gets 6 months, then I can take him to the gym with me. But oh well.

So I work through the day, get a phone call from Jeff and he kind of gave me an out to leave a tiny bit early, but oh well. I was caught up on all my work so I feel its okay. I am tired of having to answer to other people or other people telling me how to do my job, when I have been doing it more and longer then they have, not my boss, but still. Anyways, so I left and I guess instead of Jeff telling me that he had to get to work early because the hotel had a fire, I guess it was I think they are going to fire someone. lol, I am a retard, I have no idea why I didn't get any of that when I talked to him before I left nwork, oh well.
So I get home, and realize its still dirty and it still stinks and I can't stand the smell, so I am going to have to find some way to get money and have them come out and re deoderize the entire house yet again, I really cant handle this smell and during the summer its just going to get worse and worse, I can't stand these animals anymore. They make my house stink, I guess part of it is my fault, but not all of it!!

So then I take Jeff to work because well we only have one car, one damn car because Jeff's mom wont give his car back until he gets his warrents fixed or whatever, which he isn't doing, so I take him to work so I can pick up Sydnie because I don't have a way to do that, Syd's dad is working and what not, Sara is picking up her new truck her dad bought her, which I dont mind picking up Sydnie but with one damn car its so hard. then I am pretty much the only one filling the damn car up with gas, which really bothers me, it should be I do it one week, you do it the other week, if your driving my car, half the time if not more of the ntime, then its your job to be half responsible for half the gas! Same with food, I hate feelings I AM THE ONLYONE forking out money for damn food. I hate it hate it. I hate life, I wish I was better at managing money and better at making my points and what not. I dont knwo what to do anymore, I really dont. Its just I am starting to have a nervous break down and there is nothing I can do. I have to stay sane or look like it just to let people know that I am really struggling and needing to do something about it, but how can I? How can I go put myself in lockdown for how ever long it takes to get me better or at least not the way I feel. I want to wake up and feel good,I want to wake up and know that I have money and that I have money in the bank and whatnot. god, then I hate asking Jeff to help me with gas or food because he gets all frustraited and like its such a bother. I ask him to help with the bills too, I try not to ask him to help me with my bills but like the power and gas, water, things like that. ugh, I want to just run away, walk away and not have anything to do with anything anymore. I need to run away and hide and not pay rent, car, insurance, utilites and just focus on my bills and get them all paid off and taken off my credit!!! HOW can I do this? I don't have the money to hire someone to do it for me.
He helps tons with Thomas, he's a good guy, and I can understand a tiny bit if it feels like its his turn not to have to do anything because of his past issues, which wont be mentioned, but still.

I then talk to my mom, which I dont mind doing and I dont mind helping her out much at all, but its things like today, that really get me, she's given my brother Rick so much damn money and nothing to fkn show for it, NOTHING!!!!! She's sold stock for him, took out loans and second mortages for him and nothing, she is supposed to be on retirement and living for free at Ricks but sold his stock to help him with shit, what the hell. I haven't ever asked for money the way he has, or anything and I try to pay her back I dont leave thousands and thousands of dollars hanging in the balance and just be 41 years old married with two kids and a mistress living off my mom and bull shit. COME ON NOW, at 41 I shouldn't be relying on anyone or giving them guilt trips to get money or anything like that. I maybe ask for a co signer but thats not asking for money, just help to get me something I AM PAYING ON, but whatever, I dontk now, its really bullshit. I hate him with ever fiber of my being. He thinks my dad was such a jerk and whatever, well guess what, you are NO BETTER, maybe worse in some ways. I felt my dad was great and I gave him the chance and got to know him and because as close as I could before he passed. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I then go to my bank to pull out my savings, what I had in there, just to put gas in my damn car and put a tiny bit of food in the fridge that wont last one day, great, whatever. I can't take it.

I stressed myself out again today to the point I got another headache, and it was gone today, wahtever. I am soooo mad and irritated, I can't help it. SOMEONE just shoot me, put me out of my misery!!!!