I am back again.. I think I am going to enjoy this blogging thing. I feel like I have an outlet at any time to say whatevern I want when I want and it's great. o

So I have to go back and state that part of my first blog is incorrect, I do have some friends, I have a great friend named Brie, I realized this today when I was talking about her coming over in case she needed a friend which I know she does, anyways, duh, I can't believe that I didn't think of say thing that she is truly a great friend to me, she always has been, she has never done anything, said anything, hurt me or anything, she has always been there no matter what, and answers her phone or calls right back,I have to say, I am glad I met her at Vangaurd over two years ago, we are so much a like I call her my sister from another mother lol... we have so much in common. I wish we could hang out more and what not but because of un for seen events a few weeks back with Sydnie, and it was Sydnies issue, that has caused it to be to so hard and that saddens me.

I have a few other friends, but the friends I crave are the ones that I can go to the bar with after work or on a weekend, go to a dinner, a movie, just hang out and have a girls day or night and just laugh and let loose.I crave the over night travels I could have with a girlfriend.

I think I am making another friend at work, her name is Misty, we smoke right now, but I have found I can talk to her about some things too, which is great, we will see.

I wish girls at work would be willing to talk to me more,. hang out with me more, just be nice to me., I dont understand why they are the way they are, not inviting me out, not doing much, talking about me behind my back, why would you be so shallow to someone that has never ever given you a reason to do so. Yeah I am guilty of talking about people but not without a reason.

I ran out of my medication and have yet to fill it up, I get so depressed, so tired of my life and the way things turned out, but then I realize, they havne't turned out that bad, just not the way I had imagined them. I want to move home to Texas, I haven't lived there in like 10 years, but home is home, you always want to go back, well usually. Visiting isn't enough for me anymore. I crave to move there, to deal with the over crowding, the massive amounts of traffic, just to feel at home, my brother is there and I believe that my brother gets me more then anyone, I can talkt o him and know damn well that if I dont want to hear the answer or know what he's thinking, then don't talk to him, haha, but with him, I value his insite. I value him alot. I talk highly about him. I remember back in the day, when my sister and I moved tu to Texas, David followed and I always believed so he wouldn't be away from us, but maybe thats me being a girl lol.. but I have never forgot that and its always been something I treasured. I want to go home, I periodically look at houses on the internet out there to rent, jobs that I might be able to do, things like that. But I dont have the money to up and move tomorrow like I want to. I have this itchying feeling to move, to just pack and leave tomorrow and be done and over with.. New beginnings, new life, new everything and I so badly need to leave here, leave this state of judgement and two faced people, its so hard. But I am on robot status. I wake up, go to work, deal with that, go home to Jeff and thomas, Jeff goes to work, I go to bed, I wake up in the morning and it starts all over again. It's almost like this on the weekends too.

I need more, I feel I want more, i just don't know how to go about and do it most of the time. I want to get out and travel more, camp, hike, swim, learn how to water raft and things like that.. Oh well.. soon enough..... I am dating a guy that is being suppotive of it and will move with me, but how would we go? How would we get up and leave at this point, I dont know. blah blah blah lol...
Sometimes I feel like I just want to leave, leave everything behind, my kids, my boyfriend, my job, my life. But I have to stay strong for my kids. Everyday its for my kids.