So I guess I wrote my blog in a way people couldn't read it, my bad. Sorry about that. I just don't want to have to re write it all, all I was talking about whats my weekend lol. Fun stuff I guess.

I am back at work, blah, I am having the hardest time waking up this week, grant it its only Tuesday but still, I am. I hope it gets better, I hate coming into work late. Even though everyone else does it in my department. So far the only person on time is Regina. I dont think she has ever been late. I feel things are alright in my department as opposed to how they used to be,but I still get that vibe that things are still crappy. No one really talks to me except Regina, I try to go out of my way to be nice and talk to people in the department and I get either, I am to busy or ignored. And then they turn right around and start talking to someone else. Its real irritating. I am not happy with my job anymore. if they wouldn't be buts about me working at home, I would go to wireless and make thomas's room part office, but nope, whatever. I hate the special treatment other people get in this department. I want to say something to my boss, but she is part of the group here and so I dont feel anything would come of it. I spoke to my HR about it, but they want to have a talk with me and the boss to which is fine, but I knwo that the department would just find out about it because well they are all friends, they all go out together without me, they all talk about me. I am not trying to pitty party myself, but this isn't crap I am making up, I have tried every day for almost a year to make things good here, to hang out and what not, But I am the only one here with kids, and with different goals and what not. And i shouldn't waste my time on thing slike this anymore, its a waste of energy. blah.

I can't wait until this weekend. I am trying to have Jeff take me to the movies on Friday night since he doesn't work that night. But we will see. It really discourages me when it comes to my relationship because there are so many things I want to do, it seems he doesn't want to do them with me. I want to go hiking, camping, travel more, this year. I want to drive up in the mountains, go to the beach in San Diego, I want to just spend some time with Jeff and I. Most of the time we will have Thomas, but to just get away and do something with him for a night or two would be great. I feel we need this. It bugs me thinking that he would rather hang out with his friends. I know I am not the easiest person to get along with, I am not as social as I used to be, I am to quick to judge someone or not like someone if they do something or say something that really bothers me. I have let people in so much before just to be disappointed and hurt, its almost like why bother.
I am trying to make things work and get better with Jeff and I. I love him, I want things to work out, I think he's a great dad and a great person, he just doesn't know how to be that person, I feel anyways. He does little things for me and its great. I know he's apologizing when he buys me a full throttle or something so small people don't understand. Or he starts talking tome like nothing in the world happened, thats his way of dealing with it and putting it aside to move on, I admire that, I am not that person most of the time.
Things are great for the most part, I am renting a house, I dont have a desire to move at this point, I am making a home, which is great to me. I work hard, I come home and I am a good parent I feel most of the time lol. I have things that I haven't had before and that some people don't eve have. Its hard to be real appreciative of what I have without wanting more and more.

Just Another Monday

Hey, Its another Monday, go figure.

This weekend was alright, just alot of nothing and some stuff of something, haha no sense at all.

Friday, I got home and Jeff went to work again and then went out after work. Blah, it would be great to just get a phone call saying he wont be home at his usual time blah blah, so that made for a great morning when he came home, I know I shouldn't freak out, but I hate waiting up and he's not there, or waking up and he's not there.

Saturday, I just ran some arrands, got some money orders for bills, then to get baby food hehe, I ran out, then Sydnie came over, Jeff took her to soccer to meet the coach, BIG SUPRISE Jeff was the coach hehe, then I watched my sisters kids and had fun doing that, then I went out to dinner with Brie while Jeff took Sydnie to see the Salt Lake Roale's play soccer, then I went to the bar. That was fun, I haven't hung out with Brie in a long time! So it was great, we get there and ran into two of her cousins, then stupid idiots tried talking to us, however, cleaver as Brie and I are, we totally made them feel like dorks, but then they followed us all around the bar, that was freaky and upset me. Then Some weirdo guys asked for a ride home, I was shocked, what the hadies, I don't think so you stalker rapist murderer, seriouslly. Blah, then I took Brie Spree home and came home to sleep.

Sunday, I slept a little, then picked up Jeff, then went home, I went to dinner with Brie, Jeff went shopping lol. Fun stuff....

Pissed off

Blah, I am so peeved. I went to the store to help Jeff out to get some money put on his card to buy a plane ticket, and what happens I go to pay for the fee and some ice cream and yep someone stole my money, not the money jeff gave me to put on a card, but my own money I took out of the bank account. How wonderful.

So I get home from work last night and hang out with Thomas, go to get Syd, come home and let her do her homework. Sara comes over to get her about 530ish and unloads her frustrations and what not about life and other things on the table, then she freaks out on Sydnie like I haven't seen before. WOW, no wonder Syd might be scared of her. She unleashes things about her current bf that I know all to well duh,b ut she never listened to me about things nor will she with other people, she will have to learn on her own.

So then after Sydnie leaves, I finish doing some laundry, straighting up a little bit, and then take a shower and go to bed, fun stuff....not....I have decided that I am going to pay rent late because I need this paycheck, I need to get a new crib for Thomas, pay a couple bills and my loan. The next paycheck I will hand over for rent and my car payment. But it needs dto be this way. Oh well.

Jeff was great and brought me home a salad and a full throttle, sneaky butt that he is, got me the sugar free one, thanks babe lol, so I get to work and drink it fast because it only tastes good, well sorta, while its cold. But it was great. I think I am doing good on this diet. I am not eating breads, I am eating meat and potato's and things like that. So far so good. I didn't realize how much I miss things when you can't or don't have them. Besides people lol.

So tonight, I am going to go home and hang with the baby and watch movies, oh how unusual for me lol, but I am going to try and stay awake to hang out with Jeff, we will see how that works. I have been so tired and worn down from all these stupid migraines, I have no idea what to do about them anymore. I have one, then it stays for two or plus days, goes away for half a day, then comes back, its really irritiating and just wares me out completely. I hope this diet helps things!
Once I am used to not eating the breads, I will slowley cut out most of my sugar intake, its not alot now, but I am sure I can cut it out even more so, then I want to work on cutting out the cigs! I need to be healthy! Then I am going to start working out, baby steps.

I ran to my bank this morning to put money into it and re-opened a bank account at my old bank. I need to pay off the one I have and close that out completely. blah.

I hope that things start looking up.

I said some harsh things last night about Rick, this is the only thing I am apologizing for : "He thinks my dad was such a jerk and whatever, well guess what, you are NO BETTER, maybe worse in some ways."

what a great damn life

So today starts out like any day except I am falling asleep at my desk. I can't keep my eyes open. I am totally crashed and wiped out from the migraines I have been having since Sunday. Food, smells, stress, everything is making them worse and more frequent then the last 5 years. Its upsetting.

I am changing my diet and its so hard, I have cut out breads and pasta's. Of course, everything I want to eat is breaded or have pasta, but what can I do. I need to start feeling better and stop having all of these migraines and crap. So we will see how it works. However, I am not cutting out my full throttle or my sugar just yet, but I don't eat alot of sugars to begin with lol. I want to stop smoking for sure. I really have to get stable on my medications and then he will help me (dr) will stop smoking. I ran out of cigs today and wasn't going to buy anymore, I wasnt, but then I got stressed out and had to buy them. One it waste's away my money and Two it waste's away my health and I am done iwth that. I need to start exercising too. I am going to go about 3 times a week when thomas gets 6 months, then I can take him to the gym with me. But oh well.

So I work through the day, get a phone call from Jeff and he kind of gave me an out to leave a tiny bit early, but oh well. I was caught up on all my work so I feel its okay. I am tired of having to answer to other people or other people telling me how to do my job, when I have been doing it more and longer then they have, not my boss, but still. Anyways, so I left and I guess instead of Jeff telling me that he had to get to work early because the hotel had a fire, I guess it was I think they are going to fire someone. lol, I am a retard, I have no idea why I didn't get any of that when I talked to him before I left nwork, oh well.
So I get home, and realize its still dirty and it still stinks and I can't stand the smell, so I am going to have to find some way to get money and have them come out and re deoderize the entire house yet again, I really cant handle this smell and during the summer its just going to get worse and worse, I can't stand these animals anymore. They make my house stink, I guess part of it is my fault, but not all of it!!

So then I take Jeff to work because well we only have one car, one damn car because Jeff's mom wont give his car back until he gets his warrents fixed or whatever, which he isn't doing, so I take him to work so I can pick up Sydnie because I don't have a way to do that, Syd's dad is working and what not, Sara is picking up her new truck her dad bought her, which I dont mind picking up Sydnie but with one damn car its so hard. then I am pretty much the only one filling the damn car up with gas, which really bothers me, it should be I do it one week, you do it the other week, if your driving my car, half the time if not more of the ntime, then its your job to be half responsible for half the gas! Same with food, I hate feelings I AM THE ONLYONE forking out money for damn food. I hate it hate it. I hate life, I wish I was better at managing money and better at making my points and what not. I dont knwo what to do anymore, I really dont. Its just I am starting to have a nervous break down and there is nothing I can do. I have to stay sane or look like it just to let people know that I am really struggling and needing to do something about it, but how can I? How can I go put myself in lockdown for how ever long it takes to get me better or at least not the way I feel. I want to wake up and feel good,I want to wake up and know that I have money and that I have money in the bank and whatnot. god, then I hate asking Jeff to help me with gas or food because he gets all frustraited and like its such a bother. I ask him to help with the bills too, I try not to ask him to help me with my bills but like the power and gas, water, things like that. ugh, I want to just run away, walk away and not have anything to do with anything anymore. I need to run away and hide and not pay rent, car, insurance, utilites and just focus on my bills and get them all paid off and taken off my credit!!! HOW can I do this? I don't have the money to hire someone to do it for me.
He helps tons with Thomas, he's a good guy, and I can understand a tiny bit if it feels like its his turn not to have to do anything because of his past issues, which wont be mentioned, but still.

I then talk to my mom, which I dont mind doing and I dont mind helping her out much at all, but its things like today, that really get me, she's given my brother Rick so much damn money and nothing to fkn show for it, NOTHING!!!!! She's sold stock for him, took out loans and second mortages for him and nothing, she is supposed to be on retirement and living for free at Ricks but sold his stock to help him with shit, what the hell. I haven't ever asked for money the way he has, or anything and I try to pay her back I dont leave thousands and thousands of dollars hanging in the balance and just be 41 years old married with two kids and a mistress living off my mom and bull shit. COME ON NOW, at 41 I shouldn't be relying on anyone or giving them guilt trips to get money or anything like that. I maybe ask for a co signer but thats not asking for money, just help to get me something I AM PAYING ON, but whatever, I dontk now, its really bullshit. I hate him with ever fiber of my being. He thinks my dad was such a jerk and whatever, well guess what, you are NO BETTER, maybe worse in some ways. I felt my dad was great and I gave him the chance and got to know him and because as close as I could before he passed. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I then go to my bank to pull out my savings, what I had in there, just to put gas in my damn car and put a tiny bit of food in the fridge that wont last one day, great, whatever. I can't take it.

I stressed myself out again today to the point I got another headache, and it was gone today, wahtever. I am soooo mad and irritated, I can't help it. SOMEONE just shoot me, put me out of my misery!!!!

So it's only 11:20am here at work. I am trying to make it through the day but it's not working. Migraines, bored, everything under the sun. I want to be home alseep, not worring about work or anything else.

I got on the internet today and found that I need to change my diet to lessen the headaches, that means only fresh foods. Fresh meat, fruits, no nuts, no soy beans, yumm, things like that. So well this is going to be a challenge but I think I can do it. With support from people, but I will need to be strong... fun stuff

April 21st 2009

So another night come and gone, it was a good night for the most part. I hung out with Jeff and Thomas and Sydnie. At 9, I go to bed of course as always. Sydnie and Jeff went to a BBQ, I would have gone, but Jeff knowing me so well, didn't ask. When it comes 8 at night, I get ready for bed, my body in a way shuts down because it knows in an hour, it will be snuggled in my bed, under my thousands of covers with the fan on; asleep.

So the power went out over the night at the house, so I was an hour late at work, but I am staying an hour late at work anyways, so there is nothing really loosing on that end. Except Jeff might be late for work or whatever.

I can't stand coming into work and smelling like 5 different smells, always ends up triggering migraines and there is nothing I can do about it grrrr....

I am back again.. I think I am going to enjoy this blogging thing. I feel like I have an outlet at any time to say whatevern I want when I want and it's great. o

So I have to go back and state that part of my first blog is incorrect, I do have some friends, I have a great friend named Brie, I realized this today when I was talking about her coming over in case she needed a friend which I know she does, anyways, duh, I can't believe that I didn't think of say thing that she is truly a great friend to me, she always has been, she has never done anything, said anything, hurt me or anything, she has always been there no matter what, and answers her phone or calls right back,I have to say, I am glad I met her at Vangaurd over two years ago, we are so much a like I call her my sister from another mother lol... we have so much in common. I wish we could hang out more and what not but because of un for seen events a few weeks back with Sydnie, and it was Sydnies issue, that has caused it to be to so hard and that saddens me.

I have a few other friends, but the friends I crave are the ones that I can go to the bar with after work or on a weekend, go to a dinner, a movie, just hang out and have a girls day or night and just laugh and let loose.I crave the over night travels I could have with a girlfriend.

I think I am making another friend at work, her name is Misty, we smoke right now, but I have found I can talk to her about some things too, which is great, we will see.

I wish girls at work would be willing to talk to me more,. hang out with me more, just be nice to me., I dont understand why they are the way they are, not inviting me out, not doing much, talking about me behind my back, why would you be so shallow to someone that has never ever given you a reason to do so. Yeah I am guilty of talking about people but not without a reason.

I ran out of my medication and have yet to fill it up, I get so depressed, so tired of my life and the way things turned out, but then I realize, they havne't turned out that bad, just not the way I had imagined them. I want to move home to Texas, I haven't lived there in like 10 years, but home is home, you always want to go back, well usually. Visiting isn't enough for me anymore. I crave to move there, to deal with the over crowding, the massive amounts of traffic, just to feel at home, my brother is there and I believe that my brother gets me more then anyone, I can talkt o him and know damn well that if I dont want to hear the answer or know what he's thinking, then don't talk to him, haha, but with him, I value his insite. I value him alot. I talk highly about him. I remember back in the day, when my sister and I moved tu to Texas, David followed and I always believed so he wouldn't be away from us, but maybe thats me being a girl lol.. but I have never forgot that and its always been something I treasured. I want to go home, I periodically look at houses on the internet out there to rent, jobs that I might be able to do, things like that. But I dont have the money to up and move tomorrow like I want to. I have this itchying feeling to move, to just pack and leave tomorrow and be done and over with.. New beginnings, new life, new everything and I so badly need to leave here, leave this state of judgement and two faced people, its so hard. But I am on robot status. I wake up, go to work, deal with that, go home to Jeff and thomas, Jeff goes to work, I go to bed, I wake up in the morning and it starts all over again. It's almost like this on the weekends too.

I need more, I feel I want more, i just don't know how to go about and do it most of the time. I want to get out and travel more, camp, hike, swim, learn how to water raft and things like that.. Oh well.. soon enough..... I am dating a guy that is being suppotive of it and will move with me, but how would we go? How would we get up and leave at this point, I dont know. blah blah blah lol...
Sometimes I feel like I just want to leave, leave everything behind, my kids, my boyfriend, my job, my life. But I have to stay strong for my kids. Everyday its for my kids.

Duh, I forgot so many things I want to say, isn't my blog already long enough, probably, but oh well,
I just wanted to add that Jeff really is a great guy, no matter whats said, done or in between, I think he is one of the only people that truley understands most of the time, where I am coming from, where I have been and want to go and my mind in general. He's had a rough life, and so have I, between us both, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, I am glad to have found him. There are times I want to walk away and no look back or think twice, then I look at Thomas, and all I see is Jeff. I wonder to myself, is this the guy I will be with for awhile a long time? I hope so, can't say forever, because well tomorrow could be the end of my life. I am trying to live life, one day at a time. Let things slide off my back, but I KNOW, like this past Saturday, that Jeff will be there for me and support me and stand up for me, no matter what and make me feeel better, because he can make points, that make me upset but at the same time, calm me down and realize, my life is not as bad as I make it out to be. Even though sometimes, it really is lol.

I was moaning and goraing about my friendless life this Saturday and venting my angers and frustrations of the one that I have and he just reminded me, that my life was standing infront of me, my life was upstairs asleep, my life was over at her dads, my life is in my college degree, in what I do now, and to be okay that I have an okay life because I could have alot less.

I love this man, I really do.

April 20th 2009

So I am going to try this for once and see what happens. I have been against the idea of blogging, but maybe this will help me vent, when I feel I have no one to vent to. Yeah, there is my sister, or Jeff, or the occasional all of a sudden vent to the nearest person, but that doesn't happen much at all.. go figure....
So if I offend anyone in any of my blogging posts, I do apologize, unless I really meant to offend lol.. if thats the case, then I probably did it to your face already. :)

I decided, I will try this because at the moment, I don't have an outlet for any of my frustrations, my irritations, my loneliness, or anything else that can possibly go wrong or right.

We will start with my weekend. Friday was a good day, I guess, I can't really remember that far back. I came home and Jeff went to work, I hung out with the little man for awhile and put him to bed, he's the light of my life, besides Sydnie. I couldn't have asked for a better gift in my life at this point in my life. I can have a bad day, worse day, on my death bed, and he will make me laugh and forget all of my issues. Sydnie does the same, but in a different way. Sydnie of course, when I have her, has a hard time with this, because she has been the only child for 9 years, and she doesn't quite get the idea that maybe someone, even though she asked for one, might come in and steal her lime light for awhile. Anyways....I watched some TV and hung out on the couch being lazy, I fall asleep there and wait for Jeff to come home. Unbenost to me, he came home at 2 am, grabbed some money and left. I then woke up, went to the bed, and slept, till he came home at 10 to 4am and came to bed, me being emotional, got up went to the couch and went to sleep out there, 8am rolls around, I am up, go smoke a cig, talk to the roomie for a min, and get my bundle of joy up out of bed. HAHA, I creep into the room, thinking he's still alseep.. NOOOOPE he's not, he's wide awake, staring at the ceiling, so I smile and he smiles his wide grin, like MOMMIE your here... lol.. so I get him up, feed him and he falls back asleep in my arms..I watch him and watch tv,...then get Jeff up to get ready to go to his grandpas funeral, we drive down there, I hang around, go buy a skirt becuase Jeff's mom insisted I come to the after dinner, which I wasn't not prepaired fo. So I did that, after everything was said and done, we left and came home, just hung out on the couch together and watched tv until we decided it was bed time. Go figure, Sunday,I woke up with a migreain, I tried to fight all day. This year, they are all to common and its driving me insane!!!

So I was laying in bed last night tryign to go to sleep and I think to myself, tomorrow is my moms birthday..I want to be the first person to wish her HAPPY BIRTHDAY, soooo I get to work at 6:10am on 4/20/2009 and call her up immediatly, wake her up out of her crappy inducded sleep, I am sure, and sing happy birthday to the point I feel comfy at..she loved it, then we talked for 30 mins... it was nice. I miss my mom, because its my mom, but I dont mind feeling like I have no one to count on, which in all HONESTY, I really don't have ANYONE I can count on except myself and that is shown to me time and time again, over and over again, when will I get the point lol....
So today, 4/20 every stoners holiday, go figure, I am sitting at work and talk to Brenda when she comes in, she's cool, but later as the day goes by, I sit here and ponder on the fact that I dont like coming to work any more. It seems no matter how friendly I try to be, its ignored, I am not sure who my real friends are, or if I even have real friends, how lame is that. I used to have tons of friends, but decided that they werne't real and did a house cleaning of friends, now I am at none. Its really depressing and sad if you ask me. I watch how Jeff has his friends and he is always happy around them and I get jealous, I can't help it. I get Jealous at the fact that other people have friends to hang out with, go out with, but none of my friends want to hang out with me, or go out iwth me, its very irritating to me, just because you may be in a relationship doesnt mean forget your friends or whatever. Seriouslly, I have had it every day I wonder why. why bother.

Well I have one hour left of work, and I get to go home and hang out with two loves of my life, at 330 the girl of my life, Sydnie Rose, will be home and I will be graced with her presence for awhile, until her dad blah comes to get her...