Wow,
So its been a long time since I have been on here, keeping the fam up to date. Well not much but everything has happened. Weird to say.
I have had arguments, fights, calm days, crying days, and just over all blah days.
Sara and Dustin got engaged yaya not! Sara already thinks she has say over Sydnie which means it will only get worse from now on, she needs to learn her boundries! Dustin, I am not sure wanted to get married, I feel he was guilt trips and tricked into it, but you know, thats his issue and he will have to deal with it and so will she when it doesn't end up working long term.
I have told Jeff I would like to get married on sometime in my life. Not right now, but ya know, a ring would be great, shows me more committment, but how much more committement do I need? Really? He has stayed with me during the worst of times, had a baby with me, takes care of my daughter when she treats him bad, wants to me with me not without me. So I should have enough, but I feel I need more lol a ring..but I am not dwelling on it. Sometimes its hard being the only one not married or engaged in my circle of friends, but again, I dont want to get married just for it to come crashing down a year or sooner or later down on my head. I want to get married and stay married!
Sydnie is in soccer, I think she likes it alot, she is funny though, she runs toward the ball to kick it, but then doesn't kick it. I think just running around feeling like she is involved in something is great for her! So I am not worried.
HOWEVER, yesterday, Jeff was outside kicking the soccer ball and SMASH right into Sydnies bedroom window and it shattered. So not ONLY baseballs can shatter windows!
Syd's team has won both games so far....GO RED TEAM!
Jeff and I are making the attempts to get along better and realize when we are in stupid arguments and stop them right there, its hard for me, but I need to make the effort to just let go of small things that are stupid, then worry about them and make them into issues that don't need to be there!
We have talked about moving in with his mom, it would save me about 15.600 in rent a year, 3840.00 in utilities a year, which means all that I am saving can pay off all my bills, and help me save up for a downpayment on a house or relocation funds! Jeff and I have talked about moving. I think we have settled on FL. Its forever away but its some place new. With new surroundings and people. New oppurtuinities! And there might be an internship I can get down in Miami with the Crime Scene Lab down there! How exciting.
School started on the 13th of May. I am excited for this term. I feel better prepaired to deal with school and all my issues on top of that. I think
I was in my first class on Wednesday and one chicky pissed me off, I hate stupid people, but what can you do, the world is filled with them! Blah. I am just waiting for my degree I will have in two years and get a great job/career. I watch the FIrst 48 hours and its funny because Crime Scene Investigators dig in trash and blah becaus thats where the evidence is if the body is in there, but I am so willing to do that. That still means I am helping putting people away for murder and what not. That has to be a gratifiying feeling!
Work is work, blah blah blah, politics and crap and selfish people but go figure. And lately there is a lot to do. But it needs to be done. Knock on wood three times. lol.
I am trying to plan a trip for Jeff and I. I am hoping mom will take Thomas for a night. I am not sure if she will< I haven't talked to her yet, but it would be nice, Jeff and I can get away for a night. I will have to see. I dont know :)
Thomas is getting so big, and he's smiling and talking in baby talk and just great. I love that little guy. Sydnei is getting the attitude most 9 year olds have what a struggle, but she is still my first baby. lol
Friday, May 15, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
So I guess I wrote my blog in a way people couldn't read it, my bad. Sorry about that. I just don't want to have to re write it all, all I was talking about whats my weekend lol. Fun stuff I guess.
I am back at work, blah, I am having the hardest time waking up this week, grant it its only Tuesday but still, I am. I hope it gets better, I hate coming into work late. Even though everyone else does it in my department. So far the only person on time is Regina. I dont think she has ever been late. I feel things are alright in my department as opposed to how they used to be,but I still get that vibe that things are still crappy. No one really talks to me except Regina, I try to go out of my way to be nice and talk to people in the department and I get either, I am to busy or ignored. And then they turn right around and start talking to someone else. Its real irritating. I am not happy with my job anymore. if they wouldn't be buts about me working at home, I would go to wireless and make thomas's room part office, but nope, whatever. I hate the special treatment other people get in this department. I want to say something to my boss, but she is part of the group here and so I dont feel anything would come of it. I spoke to my HR about it, but they want to have a talk with me and the boss to which is fine, but I knwo that the department would just find out about it because well they are all friends, they all go out together without me, they all talk about me. I am not trying to pitty party myself, but this isn't crap I am making up, I have tried every day for almost a year to make things good here, to hang out and what not, But I am the only one here with kids, and with different goals and what not. And i shouldn't waste my time on thing slike this anymore, its a waste of energy. blah.
I can't wait until this weekend. I am trying to have Jeff take me to the movies on Friday night since he doesn't work that night. But we will see. It really discourages me when it comes to my relationship because there are so many things I want to do, it seems he doesn't want to do them with me. I want to go hiking, camping, travel more, this year. I want to drive up in the mountains, go to the beach in San Diego, I want to just spend some time with Jeff and I. Most of the time we will have Thomas, but to just get away and do something with him for a night or two would be great. I feel we need this. It bugs me thinking that he would rather hang out with his friends. I know I am not the easiest person to get along with, I am not as social as I used to be, I am to quick to judge someone or not like someone if they do something or say something that really bothers me. I have let people in so much before just to be disappointed and hurt, its almost like why bother.
I am trying to make things work and get better with Jeff and I. I love him, I want things to work out, I think he's a great dad and a great person, he just doesn't know how to be that person, I feel anyways. He does little things for me and its great. I know he's apologizing when he buys me a full throttle or something so small people don't understand. Or he starts talking tome like nothing in the world happened, thats his way of dealing with it and putting it aside to move on, I admire that, I am not that person most of the time.
Things are great for the most part, I am renting a house, I dont have a desire to move at this point, I am making a home, which is great to me. I work hard, I come home and I am a good parent I feel most of the time lol. I have things that I haven't had before and that some people don't eve have. Its hard to be real appreciative of what I have without wanting more and more.
I am back at work, blah, I am having the hardest time waking up this week, grant it its only Tuesday but still, I am. I hope it gets better, I hate coming into work late. Even though everyone else does it in my department. So far the only person on time is Regina. I dont think she has ever been late. I feel things are alright in my department as opposed to how they used to be,but I still get that vibe that things are still crappy. No one really talks to me except Regina, I try to go out of my way to be nice and talk to people in the department and I get either, I am to busy or ignored. And then they turn right around and start talking to someone else. Its real irritating. I am not happy with my job anymore. if they wouldn't be buts about me working at home, I would go to wireless and make thomas's room part office, but nope, whatever. I hate the special treatment other people get in this department. I want to say something to my boss, but she is part of the group here and so I dont feel anything would come of it. I spoke to my HR about it, but they want to have a talk with me and the boss to which is fine, but I knwo that the department would just find out about it because well they are all friends, they all go out together without me, they all talk about me. I am not trying to pitty party myself, but this isn't crap I am making up, I have tried every day for almost a year to make things good here, to hang out and what not, But I am the only one here with kids, and with different goals and what not. And i shouldn't waste my time on thing slike this anymore, its a waste of energy. blah.
I can't wait until this weekend. I am trying to have Jeff take me to the movies on Friday night since he doesn't work that night. But we will see. It really discourages me when it comes to my relationship because there are so many things I want to do, it seems he doesn't want to do them with me. I want to go hiking, camping, travel more, this year. I want to drive up in the mountains, go to the beach in San Diego, I want to just spend some time with Jeff and I. Most of the time we will have Thomas, but to just get away and do something with him for a night or two would be great. I feel we need this. It bugs me thinking that he would rather hang out with his friends. I know I am not the easiest person to get along with, I am not as social as I used to be, I am to quick to judge someone or not like someone if they do something or say something that really bothers me. I have let people in so much before just to be disappointed and hurt, its almost like why bother.
I am trying to make things work and get better with Jeff and I. I love him, I want things to work out, I think he's a great dad and a great person, he just doesn't know how to be that person, I feel anyways. He does little things for me and its great. I know he's apologizing when he buys me a full throttle or something so small people don't understand. Or he starts talking tome like nothing in the world happened, thats his way of dealing with it and putting it aside to move on, I admire that, I am not that person most of the time.
Things are great for the most part, I am renting a house, I dont have a desire to move at this point, I am making a home, which is great to me. I work hard, I come home and I am a good parent I feel most of the time lol. I have things that I haven't had before and that some people don't eve have. Its hard to be real appreciative of what I have without wanting more and more.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Just Another Monday
Hey, Its another Monday, go figure.
This weekend was alright, just alot of nothing and some stuff of something, haha no sense at all.
Friday, I got home and Jeff went to work again and then went out after work. Blah, it would be great to just get a phone call saying he wont be home at his usual time blah blah, so that made for a great morning when he came home, I know I shouldn't freak out, but I hate waiting up and he's not there, or waking up and he's not there.
Saturday, I just ran some arrands, got some money orders for bills, then to get baby food hehe, I ran out, then Sydnie came over, Jeff took her to soccer to meet the coach, BIG SUPRISE Jeff was the coach hehe, then I watched my sisters kids and had fun doing that, then I went out to dinner with Brie while Jeff took Sydnie to see the Salt Lake Roale's play soccer, then I went to the bar. That was fun, I haven't hung out with Brie in a long time! So it was great, we get there and ran into two of her cousins, then stupid idiots tried talking to us, however, cleaver as Brie and I are, we totally made them feel like dorks, but then they followed us all around the bar, that was freaky and upset me. Then Some weirdo guys asked for a ride home, I was shocked, what the hadies, I don't think so you stalker rapist murderer, seriouslly. Blah, then I took Brie Spree home and came home to sleep.
Sunday, I slept a little, then picked up Jeff, then went home, I went to dinner with Brie, Jeff went shopping lol. Fun stuff....
This weekend was alright, just alot of nothing and some stuff of something, haha no sense at all.
Friday, I got home and Jeff went to work again and then went out after work. Blah, it would be great to just get a phone call saying he wont be home at his usual time blah blah, so that made for a great morning when he came home, I know I shouldn't freak out, but I hate waiting up and he's not there, or waking up and he's not there.
Saturday, I just ran some arrands, got some money orders for bills, then to get baby food hehe, I ran out, then Sydnie came over, Jeff took her to soccer to meet the coach, BIG SUPRISE Jeff was the coach hehe, then I watched my sisters kids and had fun doing that, then I went out to dinner with Brie while Jeff took Sydnie to see the Salt Lake Roale's play soccer, then I went to the bar. That was fun, I haven't hung out with Brie in a long time! So it was great, we get there and ran into two of her cousins, then stupid idiots tried talking to us, however, cleaver as Brie and I are, we totally made them feel like dorks, but then they followed us all around the bar, that was freaky and upset me. Then Some weirdo guys asked for a ride home, I was shocked, what the hadies, I don't think so you stalker rapist murderer, seriouslly. Blah, then I took Brie Spree home and came home to sleep.
Sunday, I slept a little, then picked up Jeff, then went home, I went to dinner with Brie, Jeff went shopping lol. Fun stuff....
Friday, April 24, 2009
Pissed off
Blah, I am so peeved. I went to the store to help Jeff out to get some money put on his card to buy a plane ticket, and what happens I go to pay for the fee and some ice cream and yep someone stole my money, not the money jeff gave me to put on a card, but my own money I took out of the bank account. How wonderful.
So I get home from work last night and hang out with Thomas, go to get Syd, come home and let her do her homework. Sara comes over to get her about 530ish and unloads her frustrations and what not about life and other things on the table, then she freaks out on Sydnie like I haven't seen before. WOW, no wonder Syd might be scared of her. She unleashes things about her current bf that I know all to well duh,b ut she never listened to me about things nor will she with other people, she will have to learn on her own.
So then after Sydnie leaves, I finish doing some laundry, straighting up a little bit, and then take a shower and go to bed, fun stuff....not....I have decided that I am going to pay rent late because I need this paycheck, I need to get a new crib for Thomas, pay a couple bills and my loan. The next paycheck I will hand over for rent and my car payment. But it needs dto be this way. Oh well.
Jeff was great and brought me home a salad and a full throttle, sneaky butt that he is, got me the sugar free one, thanks babe lol, so I get to work and drink it fast because it only tastes good, well sorta, while its cold. But it was great. I think I am doing good on this diet. I am not eating breads, I am eating meat and potato's and things like that. So far so good. I didn't realize how much I miss things when you can't or don't have them. Besides people lol.
So tonight, I am going to go home and hang with the baby and watch movies, oh how unusual for me lol, but I am going to try and stay awake to hang out with Jeff, we will see how that works. I have been so tired and worn down from all these stupid migraines, I have no idea what to do about them anymore. I have one, then it stays for two or plus days, goes away for half a day, then comes back, its really irritiating and just wares me out completely. I hope this diet helps things!
Once I am used to not eating the breads, I will slowley cut out most of my sugar intake, its not alot now, but I am sure I can cut it out even more so, then I want to work on cutting out the cigs! I need to be healthy! Then I am going to start working out, baby steps.
I ran to my bank this morning to put money into it and re-opened a bank account at my old bank. I need to pay off the one I have and close that out completely. blah.
I hope that things start looking up.
So then after Sydnie leaves, I finish doing some laundry, straighting up a little bit, and then take a shower and go to bed, fun stuff....not....I have decided that I am going to pay rent late because I need this paycheck, I need to get a new crib for Thomas, pay a couple bills and my loan. The next paycheck I will hand over for rent and my car payment. But it needs dto be this way. Oh well.
Jeff was great and brought me home a salad and a full throttle, sneaky butt that he is, got me the sugar free one, thanks babe lol, so I get to work and drink it fast because it only tastes good, well sorta, while its cold. But it was great. I think I am doing good on this diet. I am not eating breads, I am eating meat and potato's and things like that. So far so good. I didn't realize how much I miss things when you can't or don't have them. Besides people lol.
So tonight, I am going to go home and hang with the baby and watch movies, oh how unusual for me lol, but I am going to try and stay awake to hang out with Jeff, we will see how that works. I have been so tired and worn down from all these stupid migraines, I have no idea what to do about them anymore. I have one, then it stays for two or plus days, goes away for half a day, then comes back, its really irritiating and just wares me out completely. I hope this diet helps things!
Once I am used to not eating the breads, I will slowley cut out most of my sugar intake, its not alot now, but I am sure I can cut it out even more so, then I want to work on cutting out the cigs! I need to be healthy! Then I am going to start working out, baby steps.
I ran to my bank this morning to put money into it and re-opened a bank account at my old bank. I need to pay off the one I have and close that out completely. blah.
I hope that things start looking up.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
So today starts out like any day except I am falling asleep at my desk. I can't keep my eyes open. I am totally crashed and wiped out from the migraines I have been having since Sunday. Food, smells, stress, everything is making them worse and more frequent then the last 5 years. Its upsetting.
I am changing my diet and its so hard, I have cut out breads and pasta's. Of course, everything I want to eat is breaded or have pasta, but what can I do. I need to start feeling better and stop having all of these migraines and crap. So we will see how it works. However, I am not cutting out my full throttle or my sugar just yet, but I don't eat alot of sugars to begin with lol. I want to stop smoking for sure. I really have to get stable on my medications and then he will help me (dr) will stop smoking. I ran out of cigs today and wasn't going to buy anymore, I wasnt, but then I got stressed out and had to buy them. One it waste's away my money and Two it waste's away my health and I am done iwth that. I need to start exercising too. I am going to go about 3 times a week when thomas gets 6 months, then I can take him to the gym with me. But oh well.
So I work through the day, get a phone call from Jeff and he kind of gave me an out to leave a tiny bit early, but oh well. I was caught up on all my work so I feel its okay. I am tired of having to answer to other people or other people telling me how to do my job, when I have been doing it more and longer then they have, not my boss, but still. Anyways, so I left and I guess instead of Jeff telling me that he had to get to work early because the hotel had a fire, I guess it was I think they are going to fire someone. lol, I am a retard, I have no idea why I didn't get any of that when I talked to him before I left nwork, oh well.
So I get home, and realize its still dirty and it still stinks and I can't stand the smell, so I am going to have to find some way to get money and have them come out and re deoderize the entire house yet again, I really cant handle this smell and during the summer its just going to get worse and worse, I can't stand these animals anymore. They make my house stink, I guess part of it is my fault, but not all of it!!
So then I take Jeff to work because well we only have one car, one damn car because Jeff's mom wont give his car back until he gets his warrents fixed or whatever, which he isn't doing, so I take him to work so I can pick up Sydnie because I don't have a way to do that, Syd's dad is working and what not, Sara is picking up her new truck her dad bought her, which I dont mind picking up Sydnie but with one damn car its so hard. then I am pretty much the only one filling the damn car up with gas, which really bothers me, it should be I do it one week, you do it the other week, if your driving my car, half the time if not more of the ntime, then its your job to be half responsible for half the gas! Same with food, I hate feelings I AM THE ONLYONE forking out money for damn food. I hate it hate it. I hate life, I wish I was better at managing money and better at making my points and what not. I dont knwo what to do anymore, I really dont. Its just I am starting to have a nervous break down and there is nothing I can do. I have to stay sane or look like it just to let people know that I am really struggling and needing to do something about it, but how can I? How can I go put myself in lockdown for how ever long it takes to get me better or at least not the way I feel. I want to wake up and feel good,I want to wake up and know that I have money and that I have money in the bank and whatnot. god, then I hate asking Jeff to help me with gas or food because he gets all frustraited and like its such a bother. I ask him to help with the bills too, I try not to ask him to help me with my bills but like the power and gas, water, things like that. ugh, I want to just run away, walk away and not have anything to do with anything anymore. I need to run away and hide and not pay rent, car, insurance, utilites and just focus on my bills and get them all paid off and taken off my credit!!! HOW can I do this? I don't have the money to hire someone to do it for me.
He helps tons with Thomas, he's a good guy, and I can understand a tiny bit if it feels like its his turn not to have to do anything because of his past issues, which wont be mentioned, but still.
I then talk to my mom, which I dont mind doing and I dont mind helping her out much at all, but its things like today, that really get me, she's given my brother Rick so much damn money and nothing to fkn show for it, NOTHING!!!!! She's sold stock for him, took out loans and second mortages for him and nothing, she is supposed to be on retirement and living for free at Ricks but sold his stock to help him with shit, what the hell. I haven't ever asked for money the way he has, or anything and I try to pay her back I dont leave thousands and thousands of dollars hanging in the balance and just be 41 years old married with two kids and a mistress living off my mom and bull shit. COME ON NOW, at 41 I shouldn't be relying on anyone or giving them guilt trips to get money or anything like that. I maybe ask for a co signer but thats not asking for money, just help to get me something I AM PAYING ON, but whatever, I dontk now, its really bullshit. I hate him with ever fiber of my being. He thinks my dad was such a jerk and whatever, well guess what, you are NO BETTER, maybe worse in some ways. I felt my dad was great and I gave him the chance and got to know him and because as close as I could before he passed. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I then go to my bank to pull out my savings, what I had in there, just to put gas in my damn car and put a tiny bit of food in the fridge that wont last one day, great, whatever. I can't take it.
I stressed myself out again today to the point I got another headache, and it was gone today, wahtever. I am soooo mad and irritated, I can't help it. SOMEONE just shoot me, put me out of my misery!!!!
I am changing my diet and its so hard, I have cut out breads and pasta's. Of course, everything I want to eat is breaded or have pasta, but what can I do. I need to start feeling better and stop having all of these migraines and crap. So we will see how it works. However, I am not cutting out my full throttle or my sugar just yet, but I don't eat alot of sugars to begin with lol. I want to stop smoking for sure. I really have to get stable on my medications and then he will help me (dr) will stop smoking. I ran out of cigs today and wasn't going to buy anymore, I wasnt, but then I got stressed out and had to buy them. One it waste's away my money and Two it waste's away my health and I am done iwth that. I need to start exercising too. I am going to go about 3 times a week when thomas gets 6 months, then I can take him to the gym with me. But oh well.
So I work through the day, get a phone call from Jeff and he kind of gave me an out to leave a tiny bit early, but oh well. I was caught up on all my work so I feel its okay. I am tired of having to answer to other people or other people telling me how to do my job, when I have been doing it more and longer then they have, not my boss, but still. Anyways, so I left and I guess instead of Jeff telling me that he had to get to work early because the hotel had a fire, I guess it was I think they are going to fire someone. lol, I am a retard, I have no idea why I didn't get any of that when I talked to him before I left nwork, oh well.
So I get home, and realize its still dirty and it still stinks and I can't stand the smell, so I am going to have to find some way to get money and have them come out and re deoderize the entire house yet again, I really cant handle this smell and during the summer its just going to get worse and worse, I can't stand these animals anymore. They make my house stink, I guess part of it is my fault, but not all of it!!
So then I take Jeff to work because well we only have one car, one damn car because Jeff's mom wont give his car back until he gets his warrents fixed or whatever, which he isn't doing, so I take him to work so I can pick up Sydnie because I don't have a way to do that, Syd's dad is working and what not, Sara is picking up her new truck her dad bought her, which I dont mind picking up Sydnie but with one damn car its so hard. then I am pretty much the only one filling the damn car up with gas, which really bothers me, it should be I do it one week, you do it the other week, if your driving my car, half the time if not more of the ntime, then its your job to be half responsible for half the gas! Same with food, I hate feelings I AM THE ONLYONE forking out money for damn food. I hate it hate it. I hate life, I wish I was better at managing money and better at making my points and what not. I dont knwo what to do anymore, I really dont. Its just I am starting to have a nervous break down and there is nothing I can do. I have to stay sane or look like it just to let people know that I am really struggling and needing to do something about it, but how can I? How can I go put myself in lockdown for how ever long it takes to get me better or at least not the way I feel. I want to wake up and feel good,I want to wake up and know that I have money and that I have money in the bank and whatnot. god, then I hate asking Jeff to help me with gas or food because he gets all frustraited and like its such a bother. I ask him to help with the bills too, I try not to ask him to help me with my bills but like the power and gas, water, things like that. ugh, I want to just run away, walk away and not have anything to do with anything anymore. I need to run away and hide and not pay rent, car, insurance, utilites and just focus on my bills and get them all paid off and taken off my credit!!! HOW can I do this? I don't have the money to hire someone to do it for me.
He helps tons with Thomas, he's a good guy, and I can understand a tiny bit if it feels like its his turn not to have to do anything because of his past issues, which wont be mentioned, but still.
I then talk to my mom, which I dont mind doing and I dont mind helping her out much at all, but its things like today, that really get me, she's given my brother Rick so much damn money and nothing to fkn show for it, NOTHING!!!!! She's sold stock for him, took out loans and second mortages for him and nothing, she is supposed to be on retirement and living for free at Ricks but sold his stock to help him with shit, what the hell. I haven't ever asked for money the way he has, or anything and I try to pay her back I dont leave thousands and thousands of dollars hanging in the balance and just be 41 years old married with two kids and a mistress living off my mom and bull shit. COME ON NOW, at 41 I shouldn't be relying on anyone or giving them guilt trips to get money or anything like that. I maybe ask for a co signer but thats not asking for money, just help to get me something I AM PAYING ON, but whatever, I dontk now, its really bullshit. I hate him with ever fiber of my being. He thinks my dad was such a jerk and whatever, well guess what, you are NO BETTER, maybe worse in some ways. I felt my dad was great and I gave him the chance and got to know him and because as close as I could before he passed. AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I then go to my bank to pull out my savings, what I had in there, just to put gas in my damn car and put a tiny bit of food in the fridge that wont last one day, great, whatever. I can't take it.
I stressed myself out again today to the point I got another headache, and it was gone today, wahtever. I am soooo mad and irritated, I can't help it. SOMEONE just shoot me, put me out of my misery!!!!
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